Waiting On God

Here is a poem that is in my devotional "Waiting on God" by Andrew Murray. The poem is by Freda Hanbury. It goes along with the verse in Psalms 62:5 which says, "My soul, wait thou only upon God.

"Wait only upon God"; my soul, be still,

And let thy God unfold His perfect will,

Thou fain would'st follow Him throughout this year,

Thou fain with listening heart His voice would'st hear,

Thou fain would'st be a passive instrument

Possessed by God, and ever Spirit-sent

Upon His service sweet--then be thou still,

For only thus can He in thee fulfill

His heart's desire. Oh, hinder not His hand

From fashioning the vessel He hath planned.

"Be silent unto God," and thou shalt know

The quiet, holy calm He doth bestow

On those who wait on Him; so shalt thou bear

His presence, and His life and light e'en where

The night is darkest, and thine earthly days

Shall show His love, and sound His glorious praise.

And He will work with hand unfettered, free,

His high and holy purposes through thee.

First on thee must that hand of power be turned,

Till in His love's strong fire thy dross is burned,

And thou come forth a vessel for thy Lord,

So frail and empty, yet, since He hath poured

Into thine emptiness His life, His love,

Henceforth through thee the power of God shall move

And He will work for thee. Stand still and see

The victories thy God will gain for thee;

So silent, yet so irresistible,

Thy God shall do the thing impossible.

Oh, question not henceforth what thou canst do;

Thou canst do nought. But He will carry through

The work where human energy had failed,

Where all thy best endeavors had availed

Thee nothing. Then, my soul, wait and be still;

Thy God shall work for thee His perfect will.

If thou wilt take no less, His best shall be

Thy portion now and through eternity.

A Peace that Passes All Understanding

As most of you know who have been keeping up with my posts, I am trying to figure out what the Lord would have me to do regarding this coming fall and spring and school. Through seeking the Lord and His leading I can say that I have an idea as to what I need to be doing. Preparing for the ministry. Drew is looking to become a youth pastor. He is studying and learning in school and at his home church what he needs to to be a great youth pastor. I need to do what I can to learn how to be a great youth pastors wife. Right now I have a six thousand dollar debt from school that I need to pay off before me and Drew get married. That debt could become a problem in the ministry. So, this fall I am going to be working two jobs to pay off this debt as soon as possible before any interest kicks in. It kicks in next Christmas. Then next summer begins the training!!! I am going to counsel at the Wilds!! It is something I have always wanted to do and something that Drew said will help me alot in the ministry!! Hopefully by then I will have had my debt paid off. It is my goal.
About a month ago I was really struggling with whether I should go back to school and then trying to decide which school. I would love to be able to go back to BJU, but with finances and time short I was looking into some community colleges where I could just finish. Everytime I thought about going back to school or looked into a new college I would get an odd feeling in my stomach. Something didn't feel right. So, I prayed. I took a week and just prayed. I feel God calling me in another direction other than Interior Design. Yes, I love to decorate and help people decorate and give them ideas and stuff, but my heart has changed. What I want more than anything is to serve God in the ministry. To work with kids. To help kids grow. To lead kids to Jesus Christ. That is where my heart is. My heart is in the ministry. To do anything else would be to go against what I know God would have me to do. Ever since I made the decision to not go back to school, but to pay off my debt and then go to camp next summer I have had a peace in my heart. I know that this is the right decision. People have told me many times that I will regret not finishing my degree, but I don't see how that is possible when it is so obvious what I am supposed to be doing. Pursuing interior design will do nothing for eternity. Serving God with my life, that will count for eternity.
Since my mom passed away I think alot about what heaven is like and what my mom is doing. I guess I have more of a focus here on earth to make things count for heaven instead of doing what I know will only bring earthly gain.
There is no way that I could ever regret this decision because when I think about it I would rather help others see the awesome goodness and love of God than to help someone pick out a window treatment or rearrange their living room. When put in that perspective it is easy to see why I have the peace that can only come from God above!

Finding my Comforter in a Time of Need

I never was told that losing your mom was an easy thing. All I was told was to snuggle up close to God during this hard time. I can say that it is easier said than done. I have often found my self wondering at the awful question "why?" Why mom? Why when she was so young and when we had so many things to look forward to sharing together? It still blows my mind to see the picture of her that is on my mirror in my room from last fall when she had so much life in her and so much to look forward to and to then realize that she is gone. I guess it is a little harder for me because out of everyone in my family I was closest to my mom. One thing that is true is that God does comfort us through His Word. I was reading mom's favorite passage in Psalms 27 last night before bed. In verse 5 it says: "For he (God) will hide me in his shelter in the day of trouble; he will conceal me under the cover of his tent; he will lift me high upon a rock." I was then reading in my favorite passage in Psalms 25. In verses 15-17 it says: "My eyes are ever toward the Lord, for he will pluck my feet out of the net. Turn to me and be gracious to me, for I am lonely and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged; bring me out of my distresses." After reading these passages I was reminded of the comfort that I can find in God. I was then reminded of how he is referred in Isaiah 51:12a which says: "I, I am he who comforts you." I do not understand why my mom left this earth at such a young age or why it had to be so hard or why I had to be left without my mom, but one thing I do know: God has a purpose for this. In 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 the Bible says: "Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." Someone, somewhere, will eventually need comfort in a time either as hard or harder as what I am experiencing now. I need to get as much comfort from God and His Word now so that later on, down the road, I can share the comfort that God gave me during this time with someone searching for comfort later. A passage I want to share as I finish up this blog entry is found later on in 2 Corinthians chapter 1. Verse 7 says: "Our hope for you is unshaken, for we know that as you share in our sufferings, you will also share in our comfort." Our comfort comes from God. If you need to find this comfort read these passages that I have shared. It is only by His strength that we can get through these hard times in our lives.

An Eerie Calm After Life's Most Powerful Storm

Well, here I am, two days short of two weeks after losing my most inspiring best friend -- my Mom. My family has all left, except my grandparents, and my dad, sisters, and me are trying to find some sort of normal. To try to describe the void in our lives I can only come up with the word "weird". I know for dad it is really hard. I couldn't imagine losing a spouse. It hurts bad enough losing a Mother. She was such a bright beacon of comfort and support and strength to all of us. She battled cancer for many many years. I want to say at least 10 years. I am being really careful at what I type because if I type anything full of memories or special about mom I will lose it again. I do not see crying as a bad thing, but I just don't want to cry right now. I do sometimes wonder if mom can read these posts that I put on this website. I hope she does. She knows I love her and will never ever forget her, but I just want her to continue to know that.
Home isn't even remotely the same anymore. I was helping dad tonight with all the "thank-you" cards, and I was going through mom's memory book from the funeral that everyone signed, and I just still can't believe she is gone. I guess in a way it still feels like she is just off on vacation and will be back soon, or out at the store, or something. The fact that she will never walk through the house again or greet me as I come through the door after work with a hug, or smile at me in her loving way hasn't quite hit.
Alrighty, thats about all I can write for now. The screen is blurry! I'll share some more about my lovely Mom as time goes on. I do want to thank everybody who sent us money, flowers, or cards. You all may never truly know how grateful we were to know there were people who were touched by such a wonderful sweetheart of a woman...my Mom. Thank you!

I Miss You, Mom!

On Wednesday, June 28th, around 3:15pm, my mom was healed completely! She was taken into the loving and healing arms of Jesus and received a new body that would never hurt again! My mom will be incredibly missed by everyone who knew her. Especially me, dad, and my sisters. But the comfort is that she is not suffering with cancer anymore and will never have to again. She was a beautiful lady and the memories of her will be with me for the rest of my life. She has greatly inspired me and was a great woman of God. A special lady whom I love and will continue to love for the rest of my life!

Hard Times

It has been just a couple days since I last posted and mom's health is just deteriorating. Dad doesn't think she is going to make it through the day. Her breathing is really odd. I guess the correct word would be shallow, but I am not sure if it is the correct word or not. I went in to see her this morning. It is hard for me to sit by her bedside, especially alone. I held her hand and she opened her eyes partially and managed a weak smile. It took everything I had inside to not throw myself in her arms and just plead for her to come back. When dad came into the room about 5 minutes later I had to leave. Last night I thought I was done crying. That is all I have done since I woke up this morning. Dad tells me she is in no pain right now and that when it is time she will go very peacefully and it will just be like she goes to sleep. This makes me feel a little better.
Drew is coming up today. I don't know when he will get here. It might be later today or tomorrow morning. I hope he gets here before anything happens.
I want to thank all of you who have been praying for us. Your prayers mean alot.

Sad News

It is mom. Things have gone from bad to worse. She had a CAT scan today. The cancer has spread into her liver, stomach, and intestines. We won't know anything more until tomorrow when we hear from her doctor. I can't say this has come as a surprise to me. I had an awful gut renching feeling the results wouldn't be good, but there was a part of me that was really holdin out to hear some good news or some not so awful news. The feeling of knowing that your mom is slowing being taken away from you is a feeling that I can hardly explain. If I could do one thing, it would be to encourage anyone reading this to find your mom wherever she may be and give her a great big hug and tell her you love her. She may not always be there. The hardest thing for me is the memories of days gone by. The thought that I may never feel my mom's fingers playing in my hair, or be able to go out to lunch or spend a day shopping together tears my heart to shreds. Cherish the moments with your mom as much as you can. And never take her for granted. Moms are one of lifes most precious gifts.