What's On My Mind....

Here it is....the year 2007. The year that I marry the man of my dreams. Kinda hard to believe that I am actually at this stage in my life. I am about to experience alot of changes. Am I ready?? I think so. Currently nothing in my life has much permanence. My job is temporary, my living status is temporary, even my last name is temporary. I am ready to settle. I still have so much to learn, though. It seems that each day God brings something new into my life to help me. Today's "something" was that He will take care of me. While filling my car with gas I "just happened" to glance down and there was a 10 dollar bill at my feet. My first thought was "who dropped it?" and "I need to get it back to its owner"...but there was no one around. So, I saw it as a God thing and thanked Him for taking care of me.
But that isn't all I am learning. I have the hardest time with trust. I have a very hard time trusting God. This, when I think about it, seems so funny. Here I am, one of God's creations and I have a hard time trusting the One who created me and allows me to take my next breath! But it is so much harder than that. I find that I can be so selfish! I try to take my life in MY own hands. I try to do things in MY own power. I try to handle situations in MY own strength....for what??? Nothing. I get nowhere. Why can't we just trust God? Why can't we just rely on Him for everything? Why is it so hard? Ok, I know the answer. We are selfish, rebellious creatures. Makes ya feel real warm and fuzzy inside...huh?? No, it should make you feel pretty much like dirt. I know thats how I feel.
I have been thinking alot about mom lately. Mom is in heaven. God is so much more of a reality for her than it is for us. Sometimes I wish that I could see what mom is seeing right now....ok, make that an all the time thing. I also wonder how much different mom would be if she were to come back to earth after experiencing what heaven and God are really like. It must be amazing! One night while I was staying at Drews house I had a horrible dream. In my dream, mom was still alive. And alot of the dream was from past memories. It was one of those dreams that seems real. Then, mom died in my dream. I was so devestated. I was crying in my dream and trying to find her. When I woke up I sat straight up in bed and my first thought was that I was so thankful it was just a dream, then I realized mom really was gone. I ran straight up to Drews room in tears. Drew was there the day after mom died and was there for those days after up through the funeral. He understands to some extent what happened in my life the day mom died. Well, something he told me that morning, while he let me use his shoulder (again) to cry on, was something he has told me several times when I get to missing mom....he told me that if mom was given the choice to leave heaven and come back to earth she wouldn't take it. She would rather be in heaven and actually would rather WE come to where she is so that we can see how wonderful and beautiful heaven is. Anyhoo....I am not sure why I just shared all that and actually got off on a rabbit trail (as I normally do)! But anyway...what I was saying is that God is trying to teach me to not be so selfish. I am about to be united as one with a wonderful and godly man who I love dearly. I cannot be selfish in anyway when it comes to our marriage. And I need to trust Drew and submit to his leading in EVERY way! I love the picture that is seen in the marriage relationship and how it mirrors our relationship with our mighty God. Before I marry Drew, I need to be able to trust God with everything. I know there will still be times that I fail in this area even after i am married, but it is something that God is strengthing in me. And he is showing me little ways everyday that I don't trust him and need to. So, to make a long post short, my goal is to trust God with all my heart, soul, and mind and to love him and submit to him every moment of everyday for the rest of my life. Is it harder than it sounds. YES! Can I accomplish this goal in my own strength??? NO! I need to trust God to give me the strength to achieve this desired goal. Thats trust. But, then, how can we not trust the one who created us and gave us everything that we have right now? Its that simple. Yet, it is a lesson that could take years to learn.